I do. . .alone

Freedom and independence. These are perhaps two of the most central words to the American ethos. It was the quest for freedom that motivated the first colonists to uproot their lives and plant new ones in a foreign land with countless scores of people with the same desire destined to follow right behind them. It was the desire for independence that drove those earliest settlers to take up arms and lay down their very lives, something we have done as a nation on more than one occasion for the same reason. You might say that freedom and independence are part of our American DNA, something forming our collective identity as a country and shaping us as individuals. But what exactly does it mean to be truly free and independent?

The first colonists desired to be free from the political laws and powers which they found oppressive. But, when they arrived, these very ones who sought freedom from laws and powers promptly set up new laws and powers and enforced these laws with extreme diligence. Those who sought independence from their countries of origin, divorcing themselves from the collective identity of their homelands, worked tirelessly to create a new collective identity. They fought to create an identity in which nation and others came before the needs of the individual. Interestingly, those who helped shape what has become an ethos of freedom and independence seemed to have something very different in mind than we do today.

Today, freedom does not mean freedom to create a new and better political system. For the modern American, freedom means freedom from any system whatsoever. Independence no longer is the granting of space to create a new collective identity, but it is sacred space in which we cannot be bothered or influenced by anyone else’s desires or needs. Freedom and independence in our present setting has come to be synonymous with autonomy, absolute and complete autonomy, unfettered self-determination. It should come as no shock that such attitudes have worked their way into every aspect of our lives, including our marriages.

This idea of absolute autonomy is not new. The seeds of this thought were sown with the first acts of our founding fathers, their tendrils slowing moving into more and more aspects of our lives. Marriage, however, has been one of the last holdouts. Until recently, marriage seemed to be the one exception with people agreeing that upon marrying freedom was somehow relinquished and independence was terminated . Upon getting married a person was submitting to having a “ball and chain” or hanging out with “the old bag.” Certainly these are not terms of endearment but reminders of a past time in which we recognized that marriage changed the rules of the game. People seemed to realize that for marriage to work, a measure—if  not all—of our freedom and independence must be surrendered, but that recognition is fading.

The common idea today is that freedom does not need to be surrendered, even within the context of marriage. Somehow giving up absolute autonomy is not just frowned upon but it has become viewed with disdain. Being anything but free is somehow terrible. We want all the benefits of marriage and without any trappings of relinquishing our freedom and independence. Our vows are basically, “I do. . .alone, on my own.” With these vows we begin a grand experiment, a journey to be free, to exercise absolute autonomy, even in our marriages. . .and we are surprised when it doesn’t work. We seem to be shocked when what seems so natural, so much a very part of who we are works against the relationship we want most. It should work. We want it to work. It just doesn’t work. Why not?

Perhaps part of the issue has to do with the nature of marriage. Marriage was never really about autonomy or independence, but from the beginning it was about inter-dependence. Marriage is a grand journey of mutuality and unity, two concepts which stand in direct opposition to freedom and independence. For marriage to work, freedom becomes a freedom to choose connection rather than the freedom to live in isolation. Independence is the severing of all other attachments so that a single attachment might be fostered, not the severing of all attachments. In marriage, it really is “I do,” but the end of the phrase is “with you.”

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Say “I need you”:  Our American culture values freedom and independence defined as absolute autonomy. However, absolute autonomy cannot exist in the presence of relationship. Rather, relationship is fostered when we say “I need you” with our words and actions. This week, consider looking for ways to foster this attitude in your family. This might simply be saying “Thank you for what you did. I couldn’t have done that without you.” You might recognize the value each member of the family brings by making celebration of these family members a regular part of your rhythms. Or, you might consider taking time to do things together such as eating meals and playing games on a regular basis.  

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Serve your spouse:  Service is the antidote for our desire for autonomy. This week consider setting aside something you planned on doing, such as a hobby, and intentionally do something for your spouse. This could be engaging in a project he desires completed or running an errand. It might also be choosing to join your spouse in something she enjoys doing.  Use your freedom to put the needs of your spouse above your own needs or desires.