Please, Please Me

I have to admit that it feels a bit awkward writing a blog about sex. It seems that the cultural definition of writings about sex, at least the last time I checked in the grocery store check-out line, focuses upon techniques, attitudes, and agendas which are all aimed at bettering the sexual experience. The simple message is nothing short of, “Here is how you can have great sex.” The headlines and taglines make it fairly apparent that by “great sex” what is meant is the physical act of sex itself. If an alien were to pop into my local grocery store and read the magazine covers, he might just think that we were a people who are consumed with sex, that our lives are a virtual sexual romp. Actually, you don’t have to be an alien to come to this conclusion. Most people pick up this idea, this idea that life is supposed to be all sex, all the time. It is right here that the problems start.

One of the primary complaints I routinely hear about marriages involves differing expectations regarding sex. Usually the discussion starts something like this, “He/She isn’t meeting my needs. . .” What follows involves a discussion of unmet desires and expectations, desires and expectations which usually have something to do with an “all sex, all the time attitude.” The problem is that the spouse doesn’t feel the same and offers the countering argument that “All he/she is concerned with is sex and I have other needs, needs which he/she refuses to meet.” It usually devolves from there so let’s just stop at this point. It has taken a few years, but I think I have come to the root of the problem. The problem isn’t really about sex, its frequency, or the needs of one spouse or the other. The problem is rooted in our definition of sex.

Our culture has defined sex in physical terms. Sex is the act of sexual intercourse. Therefore, “all sex, all the time” means lots and lots of sexual intercourse. Because this is the definition, many of the conflicts come down to disputes over the definition of “lots and lots” which is troublesome to resolve as our preoccupation with frequency places our focus squarely upon ourselves and the satisfaction of our own passions and desires. Right here we ought to pause and say, “Wait a minute!” but because our cultural notions surrounding sex are so strong we often rush right by the moment. So let’s take the moment.

Life is not about us, not as followers of Christ that is. For those of us who follow Christ, life is about the other person. We expect but one thing and this of ourselves: that we will submit to others around us (Ephesians 5.21). So if we have defined something, let’s say sex, in a way that turns our attention to ourselves and the meeting of our own desires and passions, then we are on pretty solid ground stating that we probably have the wrong idea. So what is sex? Sex is relationship. Here’s what I mean. We were created sexual beings by God, and our sexuality was meant to lead us into relationship with one another, relationships which teach us about God’s own life and character. Within the relationship of marriage, sex as relationship begins with two people living in community and consummates in these two moving from communion to union, two becoming one, which last time I checked also teaches us something about God’s own life and character, a triune life and character.

Does sex involve sexual intercourse? Sure. Does it involve more? Absolutely! Because sex is relationship, it is more of a continuum than an act. Sex begins with communication and caring, it deepens with sharing and authenticity, it consummates with union. In this way, sex is about discovering “us” and not satisfying “ME.” Perhaps one might say that life in this way is meant to be “all sex, all the time” but in a way in which it is about the other person, seeking to know and understand, to support and affirm, to encourage and exhort in a way that leads to mutuality and unity. When we approach sex in this way debates about frequency fall away as we seek to meet the needs of the other in a way that models God’s own life. We become less concerned about what we get and more concerned about what we give. When we do this we discover a richness and depth to our relationships, particularly our marriage relationships that make our physical encounters much more satisfying and probably a good bit more frequent. So the next time you are tempted to say, “He/she isn’t meeting my needs!” and begin a debate about frequency of physical encounters, you might first ask yourself, “Am I meeting the needs of the other?” and start counting the frequency of the conversations.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Redefine sex:  We live in a highly sexualized culture, a culture that instills a preoccupation with the experience of personal physical gratification. Consider working to provide a more holistic understanding of sex as relationship within your own family. For younger children this involves modeling such as taking a regular date night and demonstrating non-intimate touch. For older children, you might consider purchasing various magazines and reading the articles about sex together and then discussing what the main ideas within the article are and how they are similar or dissimilar to God’s own ideas about sex as relationship.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Go on a date:  Sex has been defined by our culture as the act of sexual intercourse but God meant sex to be experienced as relationship, a relationship of mutuality and unity. Sex as relationship begins with community and communication, the simple enjoyment of the presence of another. Consider taking some time to do this very thing. Set a time when you and your spouse can spend time just being together, enjoying one another’s company. We recommend doing things that encourage conversation rather than things that discourage conversation such as a movie, but if movies are your thing, plan on doing coffee afterwards and bring a game to play together.