Monday, March 17, 2014

What lies beneath

A number of years ago some dear friends lovingly approached me and suggested that I had an issue that needed to be dealt with, an issue with how I related to others. It seemed that when others disagreed with me or asked me questions, I became defensive. At first, I wasn’t sure they saw things clearly. I mean, every story has two sides and they hadn’t heard mine yet. Sure, there were people who didn’t like how I responded to them, but did anyone ever ask me how those people had approached me? No. We were just going on what one party said. That didn’t seem fair. To be fair, I don’t really know what their problem was.  I tried to understand, but they were not making sense. They were being totally illogical and criticizing me for something that was totally out of my control. I was just doing my best and they were incredibly rude. It really wasn’t my fault. They were just sensitive. . .

I gave my best arguments to the contrary. I didn’t have the problem. It was those other people’s problem. I sulked. I pouted. I avoided the issue and my friends. Finally, I came around. I had a problem. I was defensive, but I really had good reasons to be! OK. I was defensive, and in spite of most excellent reasons, the reality was my defensiveness was offensive and unloving. I had a problem. Step one in my transformation process was complete! I had admitted I had a problem. Now, what to do next? That one was simple. All I needed was some good support structures in place to help me not be defensive. I came up with a few quick guidelines: Pause before I speak; Listen first; Try to hear what the other person is saying. These were good, but they seemed inadequate on the spiritual front. So, I came up with some more spiritually sounding ones: Bless those who abuse you (Romans 12.14); Refuse to take revenge (Romans 12.19); Be really, really good (Romans 12.21).

Guidelines in hand, I set about living my new non-defensive life, thankful for having such good friends for identifying an area that needed addressing. However, it didn’t take long before I realized that my guidelines were not having their desired effect. People still perceived me as being defensive. Bewildered by what could only be their lack of spiritual insight and discipleship, I went back to the drawing board. I decided I needed a few more guidelines to help others perceive me correctly. I would just stop talking in a defensive manner and start being encouraging. Good. Now, what else? I would make sure I looked like I was listening. I would even go so far as reflecting back to them what they had said so they would know I was really hearing them, even when they were so plainly wrong! With these and a few other guidelines in my bag, I set about living the non-defensive life. To my chagrin, word got back to me that not only was I more defensive than ever but now I was an arrogant ___________. I can’t write that word here because I might belittle another Christian brother for his obvious small love for Jesus. What I can say is that his choice of words was less than edifying.

I went back to the drawing board again and again. I added more tools and guidelines to my bag of tricks, but nothing seemed to work. People kept misperceiving me as being defensive and now an arrogant ___________. It is amazing how one person’s non-loving use of a label can be picked up by others, but I carried on, bearing the brunt of their words. It was, after all, my cross to bear. Finally, I threw up my hands and went to a wise friend for advice. I poured out everything to her, describing in vivid detail the horrid treatment I had received and how I had so patiently dealt with the obvious short-comings of those around me. I should mention that I don’t make it a practice to share other people’s obvious sin, as this would be gossip, but I needed this friend’s help because their sin was crushing me. My friend sat and listened patiently. She reflected back to me what I was saying, making me feel as if I was being heard. When all my words were spent, we sat together in silence. Finally, she said two words. “Stop trying.”

At first I thought she had suffered a mental lapse. She was quite aged. Maybe she was just stuck and couldn’t remember what she meant to say next. I waited but nothing more came. When I asked her to elaborate, she went on to explain that my struggle was rooted in my struggling. I was trying too hard. I was trying to stop being defensive by trying to stop. I had rules, guidelines, and strategies. I even had rules, guidelines, and strategies for my rules, guidelines, and strategies. She very plainly said, “Stop it.” After I got over my obviously justifiable shock, she went on to explain that I was never going to succeed in being non-defensive if I kept at it in the same way. The issue was not outside me. The issue was inside me. The defensiveness, my defensiveness, came from my heart. What I needed was Jesus to clean my heart, not another rule. I left that meeting imagining a few new guidelines for cleaning up my heart, but after more conversations with my wise friend I began to loosen my grip on them, and a few others, giving Jesus more and more of my heart. The effect has been pretty amazing. A number of the people who had stopped talking to me came back around. They even started treating me with respect and began to ask what had changed in me. Every now and again I find that I still get a bit defensive. People just don’t take the time to understand me and it makes me really mad. . .but Jesus has more and more of me every day. The more of me he has, the less room there is for my defensiveness.

A fellow traveler,

Blake


What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Memorize and discuss Proverbs 4.23:  The areas of our lives where we live less than like-Christ come from areas in our heart that are not possessed by Christ. This week, consider memorizing Proverbs 4.23 as a family. Take time to discuss how important the state of our heart is for how we live our lives. Discuss how we care for our hearts, opening them to God for his purification and presence.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Take an inventory:  We all have areas of our lives that are desperately in need of change. This week, take time to sit with Jesus for the purpose of evaluating these areas. You might consider beginning this time by praying the words of Psalm 139.23-24. After you have prayed, opening yourself to God, listen for what he has to say about areas in your life that are in need of change. Write them down. Once you have written them down, consider how, if at all, you have attempted to change these areas.  How successful have your approaches been? Is there a pattern to how you have approached change? Read Proverbs 4.23 slowly and then sit with this inventory of areas and approaches, holding it before God. Listen for what he has to say to you. Listen for what he might say about the state of your heart and how these areas might be connected to the state of your heart. Consider asking Jesus how you might open your heart to him. What is the invitation God is extending to you? What might answering this invitation look like? What if anything keeps you from answering? Conclude your time by thanking Jesus for meeting with you.

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