Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

There is a piece of me that I don’t like to let too many people see, a piece that I try to keep hidden but it is always there lurking right below the surface: anger. Actually, the more appropriate term might be seething rage, but that sounds so offensive and makes me feel all dirty. Let’s just call it anger. Anger has been my companion for as long as I can remember. I wouldn’t say that I am an angry person, but rather that I have a deep well of rage that has been dug within me. I know, it doesn’t sound like too much of a difference, but it is for me. To me, angry people allow things to make them mad. Most things don’t make me mad. I simply have a reservoir of rage in me, one that does not grow but one that does not seem to shrink either. I didn’t dig this reservoir nor did I fill it. Others have done it for me. Difficult and painful experiences did most of the heavy lifting, experiences which should not happen to any person. There it sits, roiling and rolling and I am not sure what to do with it. It is like a toxic waste dump that sits there waiting for the unforeseen leak which will kill and destroy all it touches, and sometimes there are leaks.

I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to figure out what to do with my vast riches of anger. I have tried the isolation method, encasing my anger in lead-lined layers of time and denial, but the toxic mixture always seems to eat through every barrier, at the most inopportune times! I have sent out countless distress calls, begging for a divine Hazmat team, but to date, no a single angelic or divine being has shown up decked out in full gear complete with an anger-sensitive Geiger counter. I have tried to burn up my rage with new found rage against my old rage. OK. That’s weird but I have tried it only to find that you can’t destroy rage with rage. It just results in a nasty firestorm. I have had moments where I have despaired, wondering what the half-life of rage is and calculating how long it will be until my soul is once again hospitable to life. You name it. I have tried it and the rage lives on. I am beginning to wonder if this might actually be for my good.

Before you hit the “all-alert” button, let me explain. I have always been taught that anger, my rage, is bad. People have always said that anger of any sort was evil. I am beginning to wonder. Certainly the things we do out of our anger can be saturated with evil, but is our anger evil? Anger seems more likely to be a gift, a gift that reminds me that I experienced wrong-doing, serious wrong-doing. My deep reservoir remains as a reminder of the grave nature of actions against my person. It is my own personal indicator that life, even my life, is not as it should be. The rage is there because the wound is there. It will always be there in some form, even if as a scar. Anger is not the issue. What I do with my anger seems to be the more pressing issue.

Anger seethes and roils. It is power, raw power, but for what? That is up to me to decide. I can use my anger to get my way. I can use it to steamroll and push aside. I can marshal the sheer power of my anger to get even or to perpetuate that which was perpetuated against me. I can do all of these things or none of them, but I can’t do nothing at all for this power keeps coming to the surface. What if I used it for good? What if I used this power to address what is wrong around me by seeking to make right? What if I used this force within me to lift up rather than tear down? What if I tapped into it and said, I will bring good and replace the evil around me? What if I did that? Yes, what if I did that?

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Pray for enemies:  Anger is not simply an emotion which adults experience. Children experience this emotion as well, and often do not know what to do with it. This week, consider closing the day by asking your child how they feel on the inside. Ask them if they hurt someone or if someone hurt them. If they are angry or hurt because of their experience, encourage your child to pray for the person who hurt them. You might pray first as an example and then encourage them to imitate your prayer.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Bless your enemies:  When we grow angry, our desire is to give back the experience which has been given to us. However, to return brokenness for the brokenness we have received does not make things whole. This week, consider making space for God to address brokenness by blessing those who hurt you. As instances come to mind, lift up those who have harmed you by praying a specific blessing upon the person. Ask God to do good for that person, allowing him to rectify the wrong in his own way and on his own terms.