Commit

I have always loved a good fight. There is something about the wrestling and struggle that I have enjoyed and found that I am particularly good at. I am quick on my feet, ready to respond, and never afraid to take things to the next level. However, there is one part of fighting that I have never enjoyed: the collateral damage. In my experience, fighting usually results in there being a winner and a loser. I fight to win and the outcome is that I lose. I lose my friend. I lose trust. I lose intimacy. I lose community. I win, but somehow the victory sours when I realize that I am left standing alone. Because of my bent to fight to win and the damage that results, I have always shied away from a good fight. The costs are just too high, but I have discovered that my refusal to fight has led to an ironic outcome. I lose: friends, trust, intimacy, and community. The very things I seek to protect by holding back I lose because I refuse to fight. It seems like fighting is a no-win proposition. But does it have to be?

Recently, I have been spending a great deal of time focusing on the life of Jesus. What strikes me is how often Jesus mixed it up. In fact, it seems that Jesus was never afraid to cross swords with folks, including his own disciples. What stands out the most in this is the fact that the people with whom Jesus mixed it up were better for it and often drew closer in relationship with him. Conflict didn’t seem to be difficult for Jesus nor did it always lead to devastating results.

So I have been thinking. What is the difference between Jesus and me in the way we handle conflict? We both have conflict. We both have relationships but we have different results. What gives? As I have watched Jesus fight, I have noticed that Jesus does not seem to fight to win. He isn’t afraid to state his position, but there is something that is bigger than his position at work. Jesus can say hard things but there is something about the way he says them that is different. Jesus can take a hit and he never withdraws or becomes defensive. What is that about? How does he do that? Whatever he is doing has different outcomes, but what does he do that is different?

As I watch Jesus I see that he is confident, secure, sure of who he is. This confidence carries over into how he handles conflict. He is not scared. He does not feel the need to defend himself or to manipulate his opponents. In fact, he seems to love them. What?!? Love them. . .And then it hits me. Jesus really does love them. He is fighting with them because he loves them and he is fighting in such a way that it is apparent that he only desires to do the most loving thing for them. He is able to love them because he knows that he is loved. He is the son in whom the Father is well pleased. He is loved, loved as a person by the Father. Therefore, he can love people. That’s the difference.

When I think about my own conflicts I can see how he and I part ways. When I fight, I fight to win. I maneuver and manipulate. I look for weaknesses and attack. I am not doing what is best for my opponent. I am doing what is best for me. Even when I refuse to engage I am thinking only of myself. In fact, I think of myself pretty much most of the time. I have to. After all, if I don’t, who will? Simply put, I don’t feel loved and so I fight in less-than-loving ways. Is this really the case? Am I really not loved? Far from it. I too am God’s son in whom he dwells and delights. I am loved beyond measure. I am loved for no thing I have done but simply because of who God is. If I am loved, then I am free to love others, even in conflict.  I don’t have to maneuver or manipulate, look for weaknesses or attack. I don’t have to do anything of the sort because who I am is set. Nothing, not even conflict, can change that. I can love you. I can listen to you. I can engage you. I can even fight if that is what it takes to show that I truly do love you—because I myself am loved.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Pray for enemies: Conflict is common to the human experience but followers of Christ handle conflict in an uncommon way. The way we handle conflict begins with a commitment to loving our opponent, a commitment which arises out of our own standing as a people unconditionally loved by God. This week, we encourage you to help your child practice this by making space to pray for their enemies. At some point, near the end of their day, ask them if anyone hurt them that day. Listen to them without downplaying what they say. Acknowledge their pain and then remind them that they are loved unconditionally by you and by God. Hug them and then invite them to pray that those that hurt them would know that they are loved by God as well.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Take time to experience God’s love: Loving others in conflict is grounded in the assurance that we are loved unconditionally by God. This week consider taking time each day to experience the reality of God’s love for you. You might consider doing this by meditating on Romans 8.31-39 or 1 John 4.7-11. As you think on these words, give space to God to hold you and speak his words of love to you. Allow him to tell you that you are his beloved child in whom he dwells and delights. As you experience the affirmation of God’s love, express your thanks and ask for the grace to love others as he loves you.