Released

“I am just. . .” These three words haunt me along with the deadly trio of “I am not. . .” I am just a guy. I am not athletic. I am not smart enough. I could go on but you get the picture. I don’t know if anyone ever taught me these words. Perhaps I taught them to myself. What I know is that for the better part of my life I have allowed these three words to roll around in my soul, allowed them to form me and the reality in which I live. They have become familiar friends, cherished confidants, the most respected of advisors, at least until recently. Recently I have begun to see them for who they are. These words are anything but my friends. Their advice is not for my good. Their influence is not protecting me. Rather, these words are holding me back, back from my creative calling.

I know what I am good at. I have had plenty of people tell me along the way. I know what gets me going. It takes me all of half a second to think of what fills me with life and joy. In short, I know how the great big God who lives in me has chosen to shine out of me. The honest truth is that I have never really fully engaged in what God made me to do, how he made me to engage this world.

I suppose I could point to a number of reasons why I have held back, why I have never really engaged. There have been tasks to complete. I have not had the fullest of opportunities. I have been busy. These are true, but they will always be true. I will always have tasks to complete. There will always be bills to pay and the trash doesn’t carry itself out. I wish! I will never find the perfect opportunity. I don’t know if those exist. There always exists a caveat in every instance. I will probably always be busy. What working parent with a working spouse and two kids thirteen months apart isn’t busy? These may be realities, constant realities, but they are not the real reason I have never really engaged. I have never really engaged because I am afraid.

I have been spending some time over the past few days trying to figure out what I am afraid of. Am I afraid of failing? Am I afraid that someone won’t like me? Am I afraid that I might bite off more than I can chew? Yes, and yet there is a deeper underlying fear. I am afraid that I am not enough. I am afraid that I am what my haunting friends tell me: I am not. . . I am just. . .

Their arguments are sound. I haven’t figured out a way to contradict them. Everything they tell me is true. I can’t help but look in the mirror and concur. I am not. . . I am just. . . It can be incredibly frustrating to know what you were made to do and yet to be held back because my making and my being collide. I am not. . . I am just. . . But then again, I don’t have to be.

Perhaps the great lie hidden in these truths is that I actually have to be, that I must be what I am not, that it matters one whit that I am just. The greater truth is that I am not and truly am just. . .but it matters not because God is. He is all that I am not. He fills up where I just leave off. He is what I am not and he does not expect it to be any different. He doesn’t have expectations beyond this, that I simply do what he made and called me to do with great joy and delight. Everything else. . .well, he takes care of that.

Over the last few days I have decided that I will pour myself into what God made me to do. This might not look different on the outside but it is already looking different on the inside. A great internal “Yes” is forming in my soul, a “Yes” to the one who made me. In the meantime I am trying to figure out what to do with my old friends. For now, I have decided to keep them around. I like having them around and I think they can keep their role as my advisors. They remind me that I am not. . . I am just. . .but He is.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Plan a service activity: God made us to make something of our world. As a family, consider planning an activity in which you might act upon this truth. This activity could be as simple as planting a tree, cleaning a neighbor’s yard, or it might be more complex like engaging in a short-term volunteer project. Be sure to chat before and after your family activity about the reasons behind your service. You are serving because God has called us to engage our world in positive, redemptive ways (Ephesians 2.10).  

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Consecrate yourself and your place of service to God: God made you to make something of your world. He made you who you are and placed you where you are because he knew what was needed most. You don’t have to fit any mold or be anyone other than who you are to make something of your world. This week, we encourage you to spend some time consecrating yourself and your place of service to God. You might do this by imagining where you live and work, or you might physically go to the place where you live and work. In your mind, or physically, let your eyes roll over the items and people that make up your world and place of service. Give yourself to God, offering yourself to him as an instrument grace made to make something of your world. Thank him for making you who you are. Thank him that he knew best when he made you. Ask that he be glorified and his kingdom grown through you.