A world gone wrong

There is a lot of talk nowadays about breaking the cycle. It seems that we are a culture bent on not repeating the mistakes of those who have gone before us. Maybe we are the ones who have finally summed up our courage to label what was done to us as “wrong.” Maybe we are the ones who have just had enough of what has been going on. Maybe we are the ones who experienced the logical end of where things had been headed all along. Whatever the reason, my generation, a generation of latchkey kids who got shuffled between parents consumed with finding themselves, finally spoke up and said, “We have had enough.” We have had enough and we don’t want it to go on for anyone, anymore.

While my generation has had enough—enough of the drama, enough of self-seeking, selfish parents, enough of abuse and neglect, enough of a lack of community and connectedness, enough of just about everything—we can’t seem to figure out how to let enough be enough. What I mean is that for all of the talk about breaking the cycle, there seems to be very little constructive talk about how to actually break it.

I can read a book that helps me understand that my parents did their best based on their own experience and what was given to them. Simply put, they didn’t know any better. I can watch a documentary that traces the movement of culture that led to things like the dissolution of the nuclear family and the rise of divorce and “Me-focused” thinking. I can sit in therapy and identify the areas that my parents, my peers, and my culture has wounded me. But, at the end of the day, I am still wounded, and the reality is that I act out of my wounding.

Understanding what has caused me pain is of great benefit. It helps to know where and how we have been hurt. However, understanding where and how we got hurt does very little to deal with the reality that we are hurt. We might have had enough but we are still hurt and we act out of our hurt by causing more hurt. Our wounding causes us to withdraw, to be defensive and at times aggressive. We favor those parts of us that are wounded and act to protect them. I wonder if the next generation that comes will be reading books about us saying, “Well, at least we know why Mom and Dad acted the way they did”?

I think understanding the dynamics that brought about our own wounding is wonderful, but breaking the cycle takes something more. Breaking the cycle takes leaning into and dealing with our wounding. In other words, if we don’t want to start new cycles, even as we break old ones we have to deal with the root of it all, our pain and wounding.

Just how does one deal with pain and wounding? Typically we try to deal with our wounding one of three ways. The first thing we try to do is to stuff it. We push it down, denying that we were really hurt, at least until the pain comes bubbling up or boiling out in some cases. When stuffing it doesn’t work, we try ignoring it. We pretend that the pain isn’t there, until we can’t. When we can’t stuff or ignore, we finally deal with it. Yet our dealing with it often involves dealing out what we have been dealt. Not usually very pretty. Is there another way?

Is there a way to deal with the pain and wounding we have received, a way that doesn’t negate the pain but short-circuits its effects? God offers another way, a way less traveled. God knows that we all experience pain and wounding in life. To experience pain is part of what it is to be human in our world. But God offers a way forward, a way that can break the cycle. His way is revolutionary for it doesn’t deny our pain or excuse those who harmed us. Rather, God’s way acknowledges pain and cries for a response, a response of forgiveness. Forgiveness is God’s remedy for a life filled with pain and wounding, his way for breaking the cycle. Forgiveness is God’s revolution, his invention. Forgiveness is a way around stuffing, around ignoring, a way around keeping score and getting even. Forgiveness looks full in the face of wrongdoing and calls it what it is and then lets it go so that life might move forward. Forgiveness truly is a revolution of epic proportions, a movement that could only originate with God. While we may experience its benefits personally, God calls us to more. He calls us not just to receive forgiveness but also to grant it. He calls us to participate in his revolution, for it is only when his revolution gains an army of followers that the cycle can truly be broken, not just for you, not just for me, but for all of us. Then maybe, just maybe, our kids might read a new story about us, one that says they truly were revolutionary for they really did break the cycle.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Talk about forgiveness: Talk freely and openly with your children about forgiveness. One possible way you might do this is before they go to sleep to ask them the following questions: (1) How does your heart feel tonight? (2) Did anyone do anything that hurt your heart today? (3) Did you do anything to hurt someone’s heart today? (4) What might it look like to forgive or ask for forgiveness? You might conclude your discussion by praying the Lord’s Prayer which speaks to forgiveness (Matthew 6.9-13).

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Meditate on God’s forgiveness revolution: This week consider allowing God to teach you about God’s revolutionary movement of forgiveness by pondering the following questions: (1) What kind of God would start a revolution like forgiveness? (2) What could it mean for my life and the wounding I have experienced if I joined him in this revolution?