Saying "No" to behavior modification

The famous philosopher René Descartes once wrote, “I think therefore I am.” Descartes was wrestling with issues of reality and was seeking to come up with a primal or first order truth upon which to base the rest of his thinking. I am no René Descartes. He probably had more brain power in his pinky than I have in my whole being, but I wrestle with some of the same things. I too wrestle with reality. I want to know what is and how to describe all that I see. I also long for something upon which to base my thinking, something that will guide the rest of my thought as I engage with the world around me.

OK. You didn’t sign up to read my philosophical musings, but be honest. Haven’t you ever wondered what lies behind what you see? Haven’t you ever wondered, what lies behind reality? No? Let me phrase it another way. Have you ever wondered why you act the way you do? Have you ever thought to yourself, “I really want to change, to act differently but I keep doing the same old stuff. It is like I am stuck in a rut. Why is that?” Well, if you have, you have been wrestling with some pretty heavy stuff. You have been wondering what lies behind what you see.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I get a bit frustrated with the way I act. I think it has frustrated me more since Addison and Hayden were born. I want to live differently. I want to behave well. I want to act like Christ. It is particularly important for me because of the dysfunctional background I experienced. I don’t want to hand off any of the stuff that was handed down to me. Herein lies the problem. In spite of my best efforts, I seem to be stuck in some areas. There are some behaviors that I know are not Christ-like, behaviors that I have tried to change, yet they are behaviors that seem to resist change. Why is that?

As I was reading in Ephesians 4.17-24 this week, it hit me. No, not the text, an idea—a René Descartes kind of idea. As I reflected on Paul’s words, I wondered if perhaps one of the primal truths about life is not “I think therefore I am” but should rather be “I am what I think.” I couldn’t help but notice how Paul hammers home the connection between thinking and behavior. Have bad behavior? Look no further than futility of thought, darkened understanding and ignorance coupled with a refusal to think differently (Ephesians 4.17-18). Want to act differently? Why not start with a good overhaul of what you think (Ephesians 4.23)?

Paul’s words threw a fresh light on years of what I might call Christianized behavior modification. Trying to modify behavior without first learning to think differently, without first looking to Christ as the source of truth is at best ineffective. However, a willingness to shed old lifestyles coupled with a Christ-centered inner renewal of how I consider myself and the world around me leads to a new way of living. At last, a path to change that works. As I have wrestled with how this path to change might look in my own life, I have realized that what I was considering also held implications for a new way of parenting.

Let’s face it. Most of us that have kids spend a great deal of time trying to get our kids to “behave.” We want them to act properly. When they are young getting compliance with specific behaviors is pretty easy. We are bigger than they are and so we can use authority and power to compel behavior. That changes when they begin to grow up and we don’t seem so big and all-knowing. It can also happen if you have a strong-willed child who is almost five and thinks he knows everything. Have I told you I have a son named Hayden? When you have an older child or a Hayden, it is a bit more difficult to compel behavior. What then? I wonder if compelling behavior was ever appropriate to begin with. That sounds a whole lot like behavior modification and if it doesn’t work for me, then how is it going to work for my kids? The key seems not to be on learning new strategies for instilling behavior but on strategies for instilling a new way of thinking. It seems that if I parented not by force but by seeking to develop in my children a Christ-centered way of thinking then maybe I might not need force. Maybe, just maybe they would find within them a guidance that led them to right behavior without me and in their lives beyond me. I am going to have to wrestle with just how this looks in real life, but I am convinced that this is a deeper and more thoroughly transformative approach to parenting, one that will allow me to see the truth of the Proverbs 22.6, of starting my child on the right path only to see them never turn from it.

A fellow traveler,

Blake Shipp

Spiritual Formation Pastor

What is my next step?

This week we have provided a series of age-appropriate ideas to help point you and your children to a good and meaningful life in God. We would encourage you to choose one of the following ideas and seek to weave it into the daily rhythm of your family, seeking after God, the author and source of life.

Seeking God as a parent: Consider seeking to join with God in the transformation of your mind by memorizing Scripture. You might consider memorizing Romans 12.1-2 this week. Think about this passage throughout the week, allowing it to change the way you think. If you desire a longer passage, consider memorizing Colossians 3.1-17 over the next month.

Grow your understanding of biblical parenthood: Consider growing in your understanding of what it means to point children to Christ by reading Faith Begins at Home or Age of Opportunity. Both are available at the Info Desk.

Pointing children to God

·         Read the Bible as a family (appropriate for all children): Consider making Bible reading a part of your daily routine. This is especially easy with younger children who cannot yet read. Simply read a story each night out of a picture book Bible such as the Jesus Storybook Bible available at the Info Desk. With older children, you might read a single chapter out of The Message or the NIV. Begin with the Gospels and Acts. Your children will also find the stories in Genesis-Exodus and 1 Samuel – 2 Kings interesting and informative to their faith. In addition, over time, Scripture will influence your child’s worldview (way of thinking).

·         Use drive time to talk about God (appropriate for younger children): Consider using the minutes spent in the car together as a family to talk about God as the one who is the source of life. You might do this by commenting on a sunset or colorful tree. You might say, “What do you think of that beautiful sunset God has given us?” In so doing, you remind your child that life comes from and is rooted in God. You also teach them to give thanks.

·         Give choices, not commands (appropriate for younger and middle school children): As you seek to guide your children to appropriate behaviors, consider using choices rather than commands. Help your child understand that they have the ability to reason and make a choice about what they do. Allow them to grasp the concept that each choice has an outcome, desirable or undesirable. For instance, you might say, “You have a choice of eating dinner or not eating dinner. If you eat dinner then we will go as a family for ice cream. If you do not eat your dinner then we will have to stay home.” The key is being consistent in the enforcement of the outcomes of the choice. In parenting your child in this way, you teach them to think and allow them to adjust their thinking which will lead to their choice (behavior).

·         Use the dinner table to talk about the “Why’s” (appropriate for teenage children): Consider using your time as a family at the dinner table to get beyond the “what’s” of the day and dig down into the “why’s.” You can do this by asking simple follow up questions that allow your teenager the freedom to explore the thought that lies behind their actions and reactions during the day. It also allows them to consider how their thinking aligns or misaligns with God’s word.

·         Worship as a family (appropriate for all children, particularly older children): Consider worshiping each Sunday as a family. Let your children see you worshiping God and learning. Provide them with the experience of worship and learning as well. On the drive home discuss the experience and talk about how you as a family will respond. Let your discussion involve more than behavior modification but let it touch upon matters of the heart. Why do you act the way you do?