Who do I love?

Remember the childhood game “He loves me”? Your heart’s affection would be set on someone in your class, someone who probably didn’t give you the time of day. Wait. That might have been me and not you. Regardless of the presence or absence of the significant other’s interest, you were probably concerned that this person with whom you were so in love would not return your affections. In order to assuage the pain of possible unrequited love, we picked a flower and began to tear the petals off one by one repeating in oscillating fashion, “He loves me. He loves me not.” If perchance the flower’s last gasp gave you the answer you did not desire, you simply picked another flower. If you landed upon the answer that warmed your heart, you could move about on your merry way, or return to the flower patch for further assurance. The presence or absence of love was somehow magically held in the petals of those delicate flowers, though I wonder how loved they felt in the process of affirming our love. 

I don’t go about picking flowers and pulling their petals off to determine whether I am loved anymore. After fifteen years of marriage to an awesome woman, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am loved. While I have abandoned the childhood practice of disrobing innocent flowers—a huge pollen-laden sigh of relief just went up—I find that I still play the same childhood game with a twist. The game I play now goes something like this, “I love you. I love you not.”

I have come to the point in my life that I am assured of the love I possess and am now concerned with the love that I give. Love is more than a feeling. Love is action. Love takes effort. Love puts constraints on you and leads to sacrifice. Love is precious. Because love is what it is, I am not always sure I want to lavish it willy-nilly on everyone. Who is to say that my love will be received or even reciprocated? I might just extend my love only to find that I am treated like one of those helpless flowers from so many years ago.

Let’s face it. I am afraid to love freely. I am afraid my love won’t be received, or if it is received it might be abused. So, I hold my love closely to my chest, giving it out only when I know it is safe; that is, I give it out when I know I am safe. Loving in this way takes great effort. I am constantly in evaluation mode. Is this a person I can love? Is this a person I should love? Is this a person who is safe to love? Over the years, I have developed quite a sophisticated series of screens through which a person must pass if they are going to receive my love.

Because I have a set of screens that determine whom I love, I really resonate with the lawyer who asks Jesus about whom he should love. I totally get his question (Luke 10.25-37). If you have the master teacher in front of you and he is talking about love, why not ask the pressing question. Are my screens the right ones? Am I playing the game right?

While I get the question, Jesus’ answer catches me a bit off guard. Basically, Jesus says to stop playing the game. In other words, we shouldn’t worry about whom to love or not love. Love doesn’t work that way. How can it not work that way? How can you not evaluate? How can you not screen? If you don’t, then you might just love anyone and everyone, and that just doesn’t feel safe. That doesn’t feel good. That doesn’t feel like it will get anywhere. But Jesus is quite plain. The children of God aren’t concerned with whom to love. They are just concerned about loving. It is this free, indiscriminate, lavish love that isn’t safe, comfortable, or easy, that Jesus says actually gets people somewhere. It leads those who love in this way to life, a real, good life (Luke 10.28, 37).

A fellow traveler,

Blake Shipp

Spiritual Formation Pastor

What is my next step?

I encourage you to consider the following as a way of handing off faith to your family. . .

Talk about loving freely: This week, as you put your children to bed, take some extra time to evaluate their day. Ask them about what made them glad, what made them sad, and what made them mad. As they talk about each of these experiences, chances are that they will link back to specific persons and their relationship with those persons. When these persons are mentioned, talk about why people might have acted as they did, and ask your child how they might show love to this person. Conclude by praying for the person and your child, that God would use them to show love. When you talk the next evening, ask how things went and repeat the process. Over time you and your child will begin to partner with God in showing love in all situation in both prayer and action.

I encourage you to consider the following as a way of nurturing your own faith. . .

Memorize 1 John 3.16-18: We can learn to live as God has called us to live when we take the truth about life into the depths of our being and make it a part of who we are. One easy way to do this is through Scripture memory. In memorizing Scripture we make it a part of who we are so that it can shape and guide us. This week, seek to memorize 1 John 3.16-18, a Scripture passage that speaks about the very essence of what love really is. You might memorize this passage by writing it down on an index card and carrying it with you through the day so that you can reference it. At a minimum, seek to review your card when you get up in the morning, at lunch, and right before you go to bed. As the text finds its place in your mind, review it and meditate upon it throughout your day. Allow God to speak to you through this verse. You might consider journaling what God says to you through this verse and sharing these thoughts with your spouse or your community group.