Driven

So I have decided that I want a break. More than wanting, I need a break. I need to slow down, to put on the brakes, to come to a complete stop and rest. I want to honor God’s intentions for me, but I am struggling to do it. It seems that every time I try to slow down, I keep on moving. I am like a runaway truck, brakes locked and yet I am still rolling, the smell of my feeble attempts to slow down billowing in every direction.

I suppose it is easy to say, “Just stop,” but the reality is I can’t. I can’t seem to stop, and it isn’t due to a lack of trying, desire, or know how. All of these are present. They are simply overcome by a force greater than them. I keep on moving. I am driven to keep on moving. The question is “Why?”

Sometimes I find I am able to apply enough force to slow down to at least three-quarter speed, and when I do I ponder why I am moving, why I am so driven to move. In those fleeting moments of less than full-throttle I catch glimpses of what compels me forward: fear. Maybe fear isn’t the best word choice. The better word is probably anxiety or worry. So there it is. I am moving because I am worried, driven to keep on keepin’ on by my anxiety. But what do I have to be anxious about? How much time do you have?

If I look at what is, then I don’t have anything about which to be anxious. I have a loving family. I have friends. I am relatively healthy, and, thanks to my marathon training, getting healthier. I have more than I need. I could go on, but the reality is I am amply blessed. That’s not what I am worried about. I am not worried about what is. I am worried about what might be. I am worried about what you will think about me after our conversation, after my next sermon, after you finish reading this blog. I am anxious about what effects my attempts to raise our children will have when they are in high school. I am worried about what will happen if Addie keeps advancing in dance and what will happen if we do not push that. I question the best ways to develop Hayden’s creativity and what will happen if we don’t do everything possible to foster this.  I get concerned about staying healthy long enough to care for Rachel or if a double family history of Alzheimers will strike me and Rachel will end up caring for me. I am concerned about how I am going to do a much-needed remodel of our bathroom and whether I will have the stamina to finish my marathon in September. All of this was just in the past five minutes. We don’t have time to go through what is running through my mind now.

Here is the thing about my anxiety. It drives me. It drives me to work. It drives me to plan. It drives me to go above and beyond my limits for myself and others, all in an effort to make sure what I am anxious about never comes to be. Simply put, I can’t stop because if I stopped then all of my anxieties would move from possible figments of an imagined future to present realities now. I simply cannot let that be, so I keep on moving. Perhaps I am moving in an effort to be a moving target, my own effort to make sure my worst fears cannot catch me. The trouble is I am getting tired and I want to stop, but what will happen if I do?

I suppose the answer depends on whether I truly believe God exists and that he is loving, good and kind. If God does not exist then I cannot stop. I am on my own. It is me versus what could be. But, if he does exist, and if he is loving, good, and kind, then perhaps I could slow down. Perhaps I could stop. Perhaps I could rest, allowing him to handle that from which I am running.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Cast anxiety upon God: Much of our drivenness as individuals and families stems from an intense feeling of anxiety about what will happen if we do not keep moving, attempting, experiencing. Such anxiety itself is rooted in a failure to believe that God will care for us by providing what we need. This week, consider fostering a trust in the hearts of your children that God will provide for our every need by memorizing Philippians 4.6. After you have memorized this verse, take time each day to pray as a family about that which you are anxious, entrusting God to handle what you cannot.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Pause and pray: When we find ourselves unable to slow down, we usually are being driven by something, typically an anxiety or fear which may or may not be apparent to us. This week consider pausing when you find yourself moving quickly and asking God to show you what is driving you. You might ask, “God, what am I afraid will happen if I stop moving?” When God chooses to reveal what is behind your own drivenness, take it before God in prayer, asking him to provide in this area. You might use Philippians 4.6 as a model of what this type of praying looks like.