Engage

When I get mad, I stew. It starts out as a low simmer over something that just doesn’t strike me right. There was a time that my low simmer would quickly work up to a boil and I would explode, but I am way more mature than that now! I have come to the enlightened position that exploding is bad. When I explode I make a mess of things, including myself, so I have crossed exploding off the list of options. Now, when you anger me, I pause. I stop and ask myself, “Why am I angry?” I dig in and figure out my portion of the issue and your portion of the issue, insofar as I am able to figure out what is going on. I will pray, meditate, and contemplate. I will journal and ruminate, only to journal some more. In the end, after much internal wrestling, I come to the point that I do. . .nothing. That’s right. I do nothing. I move on, pretending that nothing happened, convinced that I have been Christ-like in “letting the issue go.” I have been so loving and gracious. Yeah me!

Convinced of my über-likeness to Christ, I move on in a spirit of self-congratulation, until I get mad again, and for the same reason. For some reason, probably your lack of Christ-likeness, that same annoyance happens once more. That low simmer returns. No problem. I am enlightened and Christ-like. I will do the most loving thing and do nothing. I will pray and journal, journal and pray, but I will only smile and pretend that I have nothing cooking at all. Time will pass and all will be well. I am good, until it happens again. Now I am just mad. I am completely frustrated with you, my beloved immature Christian sibling. How could you not just cut it out? Perhaps, I reason, you are not journaling and praying as fervently as I am. I make a point to recommend this to you, out of spiritual concern of course, and move on doing—you guessed it—nothing!

All moves along dandily until it happens once more and now I get all “HULK SMASH!” I slam around. I get short and snarky, but only with my family. After all, they are there to help me process these things and the processing I need right now is a punching bag. I am mad enough to spit nails. I want to do something and I do. I do nothing. I don’t talk. I don’t return emails. I don’t answer voicemails. I don’t do anything at all because at this point, you do not exist. In my best Godfather voice, “You’re dead to me.” I do nothing, because, doing nothing is so much better than exploding. It is the Christian response.

I wonder. It doesn’t feel very Christ-like, me not talking to you. I know I am loving you but it sure is hard to hug you when I turn and walk away every time I see you in the hall. I know that I am being so mature but it pains me to see you acting so immaturely with others, including me. I just wish God could break through to you, somehow. But for now, I will love you well. . .doing nothing. I am a bit concerned about this apparent rupture between us. It feels cold and harsh, distant and cruel. I see you raising your hands in worship, even as I raise my own. Surely you can’t be worshiping God with honestly and integrity. After all, I know what you did and you seem to know nothing at all. I am full of doubt and condemnation but I stay strong in my conviction that I will love you well, love you by doing nothing.

I suppose we can remain in this place for as long as I choose to love you in this way. You or I may move. Life will change. I may forget why I ever got angry in the first place, but I am committed to loving you, and that is why I am sidling up to engage you and choosing to love you well by doing. . . something.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Bless our enemies: Resolving conflict can be especially difficult for children, in part because they do not yet have words to express their feelings and in part because resolving conflict takes two willing parties. Resolving conflict for children begins as they understand that they can love their enemy. As you have been doing the past several weeks, spend time each night asking your children who hurt them and how. Remind your children that even those who hurt them are loved by God and lead them in a prayer of blessing for their enemy.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Bless our enemies: A common misconception is that the most loving thing in conflict is to do nothing. Simply put, we have baptized conflict avoidance. Doing nothing only deepens conflict whereas the followers of Christ seek to resolve conflict. It is difficult to resolve conflict for it necessitates engaging our opponent. This is not always easy but it is possible as we learn to see our opponent through the lens of love. This week we encourage you to open your life to God leading you to love your opponent well by blessing your enemy. This week, seek to meditate daily upon Romans 12.17-21. Think of those with whom you are in conflict. Spend time intentionally asking God to fill their lives with good things.