Not who we used to be

I like change. I am not one of those people who tolerate change; I really do enjoy it. I thrive on trying new things, going new places. If something has been a certain way for any length of time, I am ready to shake it up. Nothing has to be broken. That something has been the same for any length of time is enough to bring on the change. I like change so much that I am a bit stumped when I take a deep look at my life and see areas that do not change.

I suppose I could point to any number of areas. For instance, I have known for a couple of years that I need to lose about 15 pounds. I would feel better, run better, and just be plain healthier. I know what needs to change for me to lose that 15 pounds, changes to my diet mostly as I already am running. Honestly, deep down I really do want to change how I eat so that I can lose that 15 pounds, but here we are some two years later and I still am lugging around that extra weight. Guess what hasn’t changed.

OK. So I could get a pass for the weight thing.  At least I’ll tell myself that. After all, it is a common struggle. Yet, there are more serious issues in me that I want to change. Darker issues. Issues like how I parent my kids. I have great kids, but they are kids. They get rowdy. They struggle to listen. Sometimes they are just out of control. As a father I want my kids to learn self-control because it will serve them well as an adult, but the means by which I try to teach it seems a bit skewed. For instance, just how am I teaching my kids not to yell at one another when I raise my voice and say, “STOP YELLING AT ONE ANOTHER. NOW!!!” Am I really being helpful when I catch Addie being a bit bossy and I tell her, “Stop being bossy!” Am I building up Hayden’s self-confidence and image when at the end of an exhausting day I hound him for his exuberant, joyful spirit because I just need an end to the noise and activity? I want to be an awesome parent, and I think that on most days I am OK, but some days I just stink. I want to change. I want to parent as God parents me. I can’t tell you how many times I have expressed my desire to God and to Rachel that I parent in a more Christ-like manner. Yet, here I am, 6-plus years into the parenting journey and I don’t know if I am any better than when I first began. I know I was more in the stinky category this morning.

I look at these and other areas in my life and I am a bit befuddled. Why is it that I like change and yet I find it so hard to change? I am beginning to think that experiencing the effects of change and engaging in the process of change are in two separate universes. To experience the effects of change, I have to do very little except be present, along for the ride. To engage in the process of change takes something more.

Engaging in the process of change has always been something that followed a set script. (1) Identify the behavior I want to change. (2) Identify the behavior I want to have in its place. (3) Change. (4) If I encounter failure, return to step (1) and try harder. I am not sure where I got this script, though it seems to be pretty constant across our culture and in our churches. What I do know is that the script doesn’t work. Well. . .it does work at frustrating me but as far as eliciting change. . .not so much. I have not found that I can try hard enough to bring about true and lasting change.

As I read what Paul has to say about change in Ephesians 4, I am coming to realize that change isn’t about trying. It isn’t even about identifying and changing behaviors. Change is about identifying false ways of thinking, false ways of engaging with God, false ways of viewing myself and others, and seeking to replace these with truth, the truth that is found in Christ. When these ways of thinking are changed, then my behaviors follow. Simply put, change isn’t an outside-in process but something that works from the inside-out. The only trouble with inside-out change is that it isn’t immediate. There is something of a lag-time between the reworking of what is inside me to the person that everyone sees. But, I am learning that when the inside is changed, the change on the outside sticks and that is the change I want: true, lasting change.

A fellow traveler,

Blake

What’s my next step?

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of handing off faith in your family.

Talk to your children about what is in their hearts: What lies in our hearts guides how we live. To change our hearts is to change our very lives. Consider chatting with your children about what lies in their hearts. You might do this as you put them to bed each night. You could put your hand on their chest and ask them how they feel on the inside. Allow them to express what is going on inside them. After they have finished, pray for them or lead them in prayer. Give to God what is inside them and ask that God would shape what is inside them so that it is in line with what he desires.

We encourage you to consider engaging in the following as a way of deepening your own faith.

Ask God to teach you to be the Church: During this series we encourage you to wear a silicon wrist band with the phrase, “I am Church.” Use this band as a reminder of your identity and allow it to serve as a prayer prompt. Every time you see it, consider turning your mind to God and asking him to teach you how to be the Church.